


It's Never Lupus

by fourth_rose



Series: Crossover Crack [5]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, House M.D.
Genre: Crack, Crossover, F/F, F/M, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-14
Updated: 2017-04-14
Packaged: 2018-10-18 22:26:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,414
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10626381
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fourth_rose/pseuds/fourth_rose
Summary: This is what happens when a "Harry Potter" addict starts binge-watching "House M.D."





	

**Author's Note:**

> This ficlet was written in 2008, a few months after the publication of "Deathly Hallows" and during the third season of "House".

"This is getting us nowhere, people." 

Snape tapped the board with his ebony cane, making the chalk flit over the glossy black surface to add the words _Multicoloured rash_ to the long list of symptoms the patient had entertained them with over the last three days. 

"His fever is rising, his outbreaks of random magic keep wreaking havoc with our instruments, and now it also looks like his Animagus form is a bird of paradise. _And_ I hope I don't need to remind you that I've got Granger breathing down my neck because we're beginning to make St Mungo's diagnostic ward look very bad, and the Minister whining at me that he needs his super Auror back because the DMLE is falling apart without its resident hero."

"How would you know about that, you never read your owls anyway," Malfoy muttered darkly, just low enough for Snape to pretend he hadn't heard it. Of course, that didn't mean he _had_ to pretend – with a snap of his wand, he flung the chalk at Malfoy's head, who fell silent with a venomous glare. 

"You've all poked and prodded him for seventy-two hours. Ideas?"

"I still think he got bitten by something poisonous." Lovegood sounded more spaced out than ever, which was saying something. It was probably the excitement of having her not-so-secret sixth year crush make things go bang just two doors down the corridor. "He's been on stakeouts for years, he could easily – "

Snape cut her off with a wave of his snake-headed cane. Yes, it made him look like a pimp, but he liked the irony – one of the blasted animals had left him crippled, so it was only fitting that an image of it should allow him to walk again. Well, by a rather loose definition of the term _walk_ , at least. "We've been over this, Loony. He's been on desk duty for the last five months because he keeps smashing people's heads in if they let him out on the streets. Unless you think he got bitten by a rabid bookworm..."

"Don't give her ideas," Malfoy muttered under his breath; the little twit just couldn't keep his mouth shut for more than two minutes.

Lovegood remained unfazed as usual. "I think it was a Shadowing Lemma."

Snape pulled a small bottle from the pocket of his robes – they were his beloved black, not the lime-coloured standard Healer atrocities that gave Malfoy and Lovegood the complexions of corpses decaying underwater and made Longbottom look even greener than he was – and took a swig. It didn't take the pain away, but it dulled it to a bearable level (until the next idiotic suggestion, that was – there was a limit to the things that even a Potions genius like himself could achieve). "You would."

"They only eat mathematicians, and Harry didn't even take Arithmancy at Hogwarts," Longbottom reminded her gently. 

Malfoy rolled his eyes. "Substance abuse still seems the likeliest cause to me. It would explain the random outbursts of magic if –"

"Just because you like sniffing cauldrons doesn't mean everybody does, Malfoy," Snape interrupted him. "We've cast seven different Screening Charms, they all came back clean. Anyone got a better idea?"

"Post-traumatic Stress Disorder could explain the outbursts as well," Longbottom piped up, his puppy dog face a mask of concern. "Unusually powerful wizards have been known to –"

"Unusually powerful?" Snape yelped. "Earth to Longbottom, this is Harry Potter we're talking about! And what's he got to be stressed about with the whole world licking his feet?"

Lovegood's eyes grew twice as wide, and even Malfoy raised a perfect eyebrow – Merlin, could the boy be any camper if he tried? – while Longbottom's jaw dropped until he had the look of a fish stranded in the Sahara. "You _do_ remember what happened during the war, don't you?"

"I don't have a clue what you're talking about," Snape deadpanned. "I'm just prancing around with this big showy cane because I'm over-compensating. That's what Granger keeps telling me, at least."

"He could have been hit by a curse," Malfoy threw in, clearly eager to make a useful contribution. Snape bit back a relieved sigh. The earth could tilt off its axis, the skies might fall and the sea turn to blood, but as long as Draco Malfoy tried to suck up to his superiors, you knew that all was still as it should be with the universe.

"Very good call ," he nodded and watched Malfoy's face light up like a well-cast _Lumos_. "Of course, it's hard to miss that big freaking scar he's got on his forehead, but I'm sure it won't hurt to point out the _really_ obvious from time to time."

"I meant _recently_ ," Malfoy hissed, now back to glaring daggers while Longbottom snickered. "We've been ruling it out because he's been grounded at Auror Headquarters, but what if one of his colleagues has it in for him? There are rumours Potter's about to become Department Head, perhaps this kind of shameless favouritism doesn't sit well with everyone there?"

"It's somewhat reassuring that you're still able to think like a Slytherin once you actually start using your brain, Malfoy," Snape admitted somewhat grudgingly. "Still, can you name any curses that would turn the Prat Who Lived into Mr Explosive Rainbow?"

"They may have been experimenting with illegal curses at Auror Headquarters, it's a breeding ground for conspiracies!" Lovegood piped up, her eyes comically wide with excitement. "Just a few years back, the –"

"Lovegood, cut out the loony act, for pity's sake! You were a Ravenclaw, start acting like one!" Snape barked, his temper finally getting the better of him. "I want Potter out of here by the end of the week, which means we'll have to get to the bottom of this! You are no use to anyone as long as your brain is out playing with the fairies!"

Malfoy wrinkled his nose. "My father says there's no such thing as fairies."

"I take it you haven't visited your parents in a while." Snape tapped his cane against the board again, raising a cloud of chalk dust. "We're missing something, people. What is it?"

"If we go with the idea that he got cursed, it might help to narrow down the list of suspects," Longbottom suggested. "A former Death Eater would use a different style than someone with Auror training, or..."

"A disgruntled girlfriend?" Lovegood added calmly. "I heard Harry and Ginny Weasley broke up for good last week."

Malfoy's head whipped around as if there had been an explosion next to him. "The Golden Couple has split? They never!"

Longbottom shrugged. "They didn't want the papers to get wind of it."

"Soooo," Snape began slowly, "two of you actually knew that the Ginger Menace got dumped by her Chosen One, and neither of you considered it necessary to mention it? What the hell am I paying you for?"

"You're not paying us at all, the hospital is," Lovegood pointed out, perfectly reasonable for once.

"Don't bother me with technicalities," Snape growled, "and wipe that dreamy look off your face, Malfoy, Potter isn't going to jump you just because he got rid of the prospective mother of his children. But you've been marginally more useful than those two dimwits today, so you may come with me while I ask the Boy Wonder a few deeply personal and extremely embarrassing questions."

+++

Luna and Neville shared a look once Snape and Malfoy were safely out of earshot.

"Do you really think Ginny did this?"

"You really think she didn't?"

Luna shrugged and pulled a strand of hair out of her messy bun to start chewing on it. "I'm not certain. What I am certain of, however, is that Draco will find a way to make sure he gets to do the final check-up once we've figured out how to cure Harry."

Neville's eyes widened. "Harry will kill him if he tries anything!"

Luna gave him a dreamy smile. "Bet you ten Galleons?"

Neville stared at her for a second, but then he grinned. "You're on."

 

 

_fin_

 

Further references to avoid a disclaimer that's longer than the actual fic:  
\+ The mathematician-eating Shadowing Lemma belongs to Terry Pratchett.  
\+ "There's no such thing as fairies" is from 'Peter Pan' (you know, the one where Jason Isaacs wore a _different_ wig).  
\+ "XY will kill him if he tries anything" is from the 'Very Secret Diaries' – I wouldn't want to be accused of plagiarizing Cassandra Cla(i)re, now would I? ;-) 


End file.
